if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
