Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize