One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
