I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
