I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
