We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
