Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
