I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
