i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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