apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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