Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
