note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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