I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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