Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize