Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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