He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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