you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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