new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
