Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
