If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
