Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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