the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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