how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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