things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
