he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I am naked and annoyed.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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