toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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