just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
