You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
