HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
