my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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