He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
