I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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