i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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