im holly from the hills drunk
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
