if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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