i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
