No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
