I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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