I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize