I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
