my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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