So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
