Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
