Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize