rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
