I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
