We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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