I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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