just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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