You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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