Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
