Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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