dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
the day after is always just damage control
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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