when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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