Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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