don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize