its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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