At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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