We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have aggressive nipples.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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