went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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