so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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